And I

More memoir fragments

07/10/2025

I’m finding it hard to keep going at this pace. I’m exhausted all the time and I feel alone.

The lonely feeling is a holdover. I’ve always been alone and that’s why I can’t be. I fill my mind and my time with others and when that leaves me feeling hollow, I’m left with the echoes of the lonely. I’ve never not felt this way. I keep thinking that someone else will fill it. A baby will fill it. I’ll have purpose to others and that will be the most fulfilling feeling I could ever experience.

What if my purpose was to myself? How would that look?? I can’t really imagine that. I get stuck. It feels like a step too far and I’ll go tumbling over a cliff. I’m not sure how much longer I can handle this sadness and hollowed our feeling though. I might actually go running toward that cliff. What would it look like to choose me?

I feel tethered to past versions of me. Like I owe my life to them. Like any deviation from their expectations or desires is disgustingly selfish.

The littlest part of me just wants to be held. They want someone to take care of them to to see them fully.

The middlest parts of me wants freedom of expression and to be special enough. They need to be heard and trusted.

And I struggle so much with vulnerability. It feels like a death sentence to put myself in any position that requires me to be authentic. I dissociate.

May 23rd 2024

“The Birth of Venus”

The killing was incredibly tedious
The pain unbearable
Squeezing out my last breath
Thinking only of my guilt

Does it die with me?
Does it end??

I will have killed myself for nothing
At all

Senselessly and barbarically

Ripped and torn
Suddenly aware of Being

I speak in prose 
Half protected from Feeling

Venus bringer of good
2015